GROB: Hit by a small-town crime wave

By James Grob, jgrob@charlescitypress.com

Somebody stole our cans.

My wife and I have only lived in this little town for about nine months now, and we actually moved here from a much smaller town. So far, our experience here has been more than pleasant, and I’m happy to say that it’s been relatively crime-free.

We haven’t committed any yet.

We aren’t aware of any crimes committed against us, either. That is, if you don’t count a local restaurant charging almost a buck for a side of sour cream a crime, we haven’t had any committed against us. This is a safe town.

Yes, of course, we are aware that there is a certain amount of crime here. We read the police blotter, we lock our cars and lock our house up at night. We don’t generally leave expensive things sitting out in the open. We take the necessary precautions that help ensure our safety and security. I am heavily armed.

At Christmas, we received a gift of some motion-activated security lights. Our corner of the street gets pretty dark at night, and while I’m told the lights can deter crimes of opportunity, the bigger reason for having them is so I don’t trip over something and fall on my butt if I have to be outside after dark.

Of course, security lights can be a problem if they’re too sensitive. If they’re triggered by some kind of furry little nocturnal creature, the yard lights up, and we rush to the window to see who’s there. Of course, the furry nocturnal creature is either too little for us to see, or quick enough that it has scurried away by the time we are looking.

We, of course, assume that the lights were triggered by an evil person coming to do us harm. Since we can’t see this evil person, we assume he’s out there hiding, waiting, plotting, biding his time, sharpening his machete, adjusting his hockey mask …

Long story short, I end up loading all my shotguns and neither my wife nor I get any sleep that night, all because some squirrel stayed up late to watch Kimmel.

But other than a few odd scenarios like that, motion-activated security lights are a good idea, which explains why I haven’t installed them yet.

We planned to install them a few months ago, but it was just too doggone cold. As it turned out, however, the only thing worse than the weather this winter was the weather this spring — snowstorm after snowstorm through March and April. By the time the snow had finally melted, we had put the security lights away in a drawer or closet somewhere, and I don’t believe I have any idea where they’re at. Sooner or later, I’m sure I’ll stumble upon them as I’m looking for something else. I just hope it’s before winter.

It wasn’t like the security light installation was something that needed urgently done, I thought.

Then they stole our cans.

This past weekend, my wife and I were out of town for Memorial Day. When we returned, two garbage bags of cans had been stolen.

They’re mostly recyclable aluminum pop and beer cans. We don’t usually redeem the cans ourselves, usually we give them to someone we know who is raising funds for something.

We had collected about three months’ worth of cans, and my wife had neatly and efficiently bagged them up and placed them near our house, where we keep our garbage and recycling bins. We don’t like keeping that many aluminum cans inside the house — we try to avoid hoarding situations.

The plan was to grab the two bags of cans one morning this week, toss them into the trunk of the car, and take them over to a fundraising friend’s house on the way to work.

That plan came to a screeching halt Tuesday morning, when we realized the cans were gone. Someone — or some thing — had taken them.

We thought it would be reactionary to call the police over something this trivial, but the Great Can Theft, as I call it, does disturb me a little. It isn’t like the bags were obvious from the road, so it wasn’t as though someone was walking along, saw there was something to easily steal, and quickly took the loot and ran. Whoever it was had to walk up, through our yard, to our house, and look through things until he (or she) found something worth taking and easy to heist.

So it makes me nervous that someone would do that.

I don’t want the cans back, I don’t want the money that was redeemed, and I don’t want whoever did it to get into any legal trouble. Clearly, this person needed those cans more than I did. I was going to give them away, anyway.

But if you really want my cans that bad, just ask me. Don’t be sneaking and snooping around my house. Next time, just let me know, and the cans are yours. I will happily hand them over to you, no questions asked.

In the meantime, until I find those security lights, I’m going to have to find other ways to protect my home.

Did I mention I can handle a shotgun?

Did I mention I am heavily armed?