TERPSTRA: Potato, potahto – tomato, tomahto

By Kelly Terpstra, kterpstra@charlescitypress.com

Baked potato, shoestring fries, tater tots, hash browns … the list could go on forever.

It seems there are endless possibilities for ways you can eat one of America’s staples —  potatoes.

So this begs the question, can you sustain yourself for an extended period of time on eating nothing but potatoes?

Is this for me and more importantly, is it safe?

Let’s cut to the chase. I’m overweight, probably by a good 30 pounds, probably 40.

So a diet is definitely in order.

My options on that front are extensive, because there are just as many ways I could possibly lose weight as there are to fix potatoes or incorporate them into my eating routine.

South Beach Diet, Atkins, grapefruit, gluten-free, a liquid diet and who can forget the Subway diet. I doubt Jared is biting into any steak and cheese subs these days. But it seemed to work for him before they locked him up.

So why not just eat potatoes?

Think about that for a second. Every single day, every meal, just potatoes.

I’m pretty sure the menu at any local jail or prison would start to seem like 5-star cuisine after consuming nothing but potatoes for a month.

We could ask Jared, but I doubt he would return my phone call.

Some dude from Australia (don’t roll your eyes) lost well over 100 pounds eating just potatoes for almost a year. He called it the “Spud Fit Challenge.”

Whatever works, right?

The only “Spud” I know is Spuds Mackenzie — you know the dog that Bud Light used in the 80s commercials to sell its beer. After further investigation (thank you, Wikipedia), I have learned the dog’s real name was Honey Tree Evil Eye. And the dog was female, not male as it was portrayed to be on TV. I’m not making this up.

But any dog that wears sunglasses and is lounging around a pool with beautiful women is cool, right?

Which gets me to thinking, I miss the commercials from 30 or 40 years ago.

Today’s commercials are too smart and just too over the top for me. If I have to think too hard to understand your message, you’ve lost me. This isn’t a math equation and I frankly don’t like solving puzzles wrapped inside a riddle when I am trying to relax on my couch.

I like to hearken back to a simpler time, when commercials made sense and made you feel good about yourself.

Like the Life cereal commercials.

This was a cute commercial produced by Quaker Oats to sell its cereal that, well, didn’t really taste all that great.

But I bought it — well, my mom did. Why? Because “Mikey liked it, and he hates everything.”

So it must be good, right?

Wrong.

I always pictured Mikey’s friends later teasing and tricking him into eating a bowl of dirt. Pour some water into that, Mikey, and you’ve got yourself some mud soup. Want some crackers with that, Mikey? Why would Mikey eat something like that? Because if he ate Life cereal, I think he would eat anything.  

Who can forget the Coca-Cola commercial featuring the Pittsburgh Steelers Hall of Famer “Mean” Joe Greene? Greene is headed back to the locker room after a tough football game and is stopped by a kid who offers moral support. He gives Greene his bottle of Coke, which Greene promptly chugs down. Greene throws the fan his game jersey as the kid is walking back up the tunnel.

Now that’s some quality television right there, folks.

They don’t make ‘em like they used to.

I just want to know how that kid got by security!

So I’m left with the remnants and scars of a youth spent watching too much television.

Time to get off the sofa and start exercising, because this potato diet seems beyond crazy.

Obviously I am going to be missing some key nutrients in my body by eating soley something that is full of carbohydrates and starch.

Simple solution?

“Drop the fork and step away from the table if you want to lose weight,” my dad would say.

It’s not quite that simple, because I can eat a can of Pringles while I’m running in place watching commercials.

My first step will be to slowly wean myself off of sugar, because that’s one of the main culprits of my excess baggage. That one will be tough. That means no more pop or soda.

Just being more active could put a big dent into my general malaise. Which I am sure is created by my body not performing as well as it could because I constantly put garbage into it.

You are what you eat.

I guess that means I’m a slice of pizza, with a side of greasy cheeseburger, topped with a Swiss cake roll.

Now that I think of it, remember that infomercial in the 90s with that woman that had a buzz cut and kept saying “Stop the Insanity!” Her name was Susan Powter and she was basically a workout enthusiast/motivational speaker. She wanted you to lose weight by screaming at you that “diets don’t work!”

I’m leery of anybody wearing a cut-off T-shirt in spandex that describes herself as a “housewife that figured it out.”

And that’s no offense to any housewife that does have it figured out.

To this day, I don’t know what the insanity was she was trying to cure or how you actually lost weight by watching her have a panic attack on a treadmill. I guess she made enough money with her pitch that she didn’t have to buy shoes because she was barefoot most of the time I saw her at 3 in the morning when I’m munching on a bag of Doritos.

To be brutally honest, the only pitch man I’ll listen to is Vince Offer. You know, the “ShamWow!” guy.

There was Billy Mays, who pitched OxiClean. Billy is no longer with us, but I always trusted him for some reason. Of course there was the “Grandfather of Pitchmen,” Ron Popeil. The food dehydrator guy that was famous for saying “Just set it — and forget it.”

But I was on Team Offer. He also made great presentations on his “Slap Chop.” There’s several other gadgets or cleaning products he’d try to sell you on TV – like the “Schticky” or “inVINCEable.” But I was sold on his most famous products.

Did I purchase any of them? No.

But watching him try to lure anybody into buying his “stuff” was reason enough for me to get out in the real world and make something of myself.

I guess that’s what it really boils down to — no, I am not putting a potato into a pot and cooking it.

Life is short. Stop stressing if you’re a few pounds overweight and you’re not up to an ideal standard of what it means to be “cool” in 2018 society.

Be who you want to be, imperfections and all.

Tiger Woods just won a golf tournament for the first time in what seems like forever.

Sure, he has incredible talent, but who ever thought you could have been saying that about him just five years ago.

So I’m pretty sure, with a positive mindset, that people can change and bounce back from whatever ails them or is holding them back.

The most powerful weapon in this world is the human mind, in my estimation. It can move mountains and also destroy them.

Everyone is different and one person’s success can also be considered a failure by others.

But what matters is what you do, not what someone else is doing.

So I’m getting on my hiking gear and I’m not going to move a mountain — I’m going to try to climb one, figuratively speaking.

I think I’ll start that trek by not eating food after 9 p.m.

I may encounter some rugged terrain and I may not reach the summit for awhile, but I’m up for the challenge.

Sorry, scalloped potatoes and ham. I hope you don’t stay mad at me too long, mashed potatoes.

Baby steps.