Support group helps parents move forward after loss of loved ones

By Kelly Terpstra, kterpstra@charlescitypress.com

Jill Connell knows full well the devastation one can feel after losing a child.

The pain, despair and loneliness can be overwhelming.

So she decided to do something about it.

The impact the grief support group she started in Charles City after the loss of her twin son, Ryan, over 20 years ago has not only changed the lives of those in it, it may well have saved them.

“I needed to give back. I found the best way to deal with grief is to find a cause or find somebody else to help. We all kind of have done that,” said Connell about the members of the group.

That was more than eight years ago when the former teacher replanted the seeds in Charles City to form the St. John’s Parent Support Group – which includes parents from in and around the area who have dealt with the death of a son or daughter.

Meetings or gatherings have taken place over the years at St. John Lutheran Church, Connell’s home or anywhere anybody would like to talk, connect and share their story.

Support from communities where Connell has previously lived helped comfort and heal wounds caused by loss. Jill found ways to cope and help fill the void left by the death of Ryan. But after time, some lose contact.

“Kind of what happens at first is everybody’s there at first, but then those people go away. But we don’t go away. We stay there for each other,” said Connell, about the St. John group.

Connell came up with the idea of a support group while living in Missouri after the loss of her identical twin son, Ryan, at childbirth in 1997. Ryan’s twin brother, Regan, survived.

“Nobody wants to do a support group and nobody wants to be in a support group. It’s so emotionally draining. I kept getting this calling to do it,” said Connell, now the director of acute care sServices at Mitchell County Regional Health Center.

Life’s path would lead the Connells to Charles City. When she found out a friend’s co-worker had experienced a loss, she knew she had to take action.

“I think the best gift I ever got through all the years of doing this was after one of the meetings, she hugged me and said, ‘You saved my life,’” said Connell.

That hug came from Michelle Williams, an elementary school teacher in Charles City. Michelle and her husband, Matt, lost their daughter, Ellie, in 2010 at just 3 months old after she stopped breathing one day during an afternoon nap at day care.

The sudden shock to hear the words, “Your daughter has died,” was almost paralyzing to Michelle.

“You really don’t want to go on living. Then all of the sudden you meet these other people who feel the exact same way,” said Williams. “I’m like, ‘Oh, Jill survived.’ I can do this. I can keep on going. I can live.”

The bond created by sharing stories of heartache and triumph at the group has not only helped the mothers gain strength, but it’s made them realize there are other families out there that are dealing with some of the same sorrow and sadness.

“It made me feel first, that I’m not totally alone. Because you feel so alone and so isolated,” said Williams.

Holly Knapp and her husband, Tony, have attended many group meetings over the years since they lost their daughter, Evelyne Ann, in 2011. Evelyne, born premature at 25 weeks, lived for almost a month before she succumbed to necrotizing enterocolitis – an infection of the intestines.

The group holds a very powerful meaning and connection for Holly.

“It gives me hope,” she said.

Holly said she was scared to come to the group at first, but knew there were better days ahead once she started becoming friends with group members.

“I think my family was scared that I was going to do something to myself because I was so not myself,” said Holly. “I thought I was never going to stop crying.”

For Annie Sawyer, it will be 20 years ago this coming October since she lost her son, Brad, to a car accident in 1999 near the NIACC building in Charles City.

“When he first was killed, I was just like numb,” said Annie. “I had a daughter that I had to be there for, otherwise I maybe would have got in bed and never got back out.”

Annie’s daughter, Tara, provided the inspiration to keep moving forward.

“She’s kind of what kept me going after that,” said Annie.

Connell’s group helped push her on through to where she had a true moment of clarity.

Annie recalls words said in support by one member after a get-together – “Look at Annie, she’s doing it.”

It was at that realization that Sawyer knew she was better for being part of the group.

“I’ll always remember that,” said Annie. “It’s hard. You never forget and you never get over it. That was it — she’s functioning.”

In the spring of 2000, Brad Sawyer’s father, Scott, held the first Brad Sawyer Memorial Golf Tournament at Wildwood Golf Course in Charles City. It’s been held ever since (rained out in 2017). After Scott died in 2010, Annie and Tara took over the tourney.

The Sawyers have awarded scholarships over the years in Brad’s name.

A tree was planted at the golf course with a plaque at the bottom of the trunk in honor of Brad, and a clock in memory of Brad ticks on the wall in the clubhouse.

Such physical reminders help the living know their loved ones are not forgotten.

That’s why Jill Connell planted her own tree – a weeping willow – on her property about four years ago. The willow rises above a bench that her daughter Kiki made, overlooking a beautiful pond right outside the Connell’s backyard.

“I think it’s amazing and beautiful,” said Connell. “I watch it grow and it’s comforting to me.”

Tony and Holly also planted a tree and constructed a bench for their Evelyne.

Many current and past members of Connell’s group remember their loved ones in a variety of ways.

The Ellie Williams Memorial Scholarship was created in 2015 at Iowa State University where Michelle and Matt graduated.

Kelly Houser’s daughter, Hadley Lee, was only 84 days old when she died in 2013. Houser and her husband, Christopher Holgerson, honored Hadley’s life with “Hadley’s First Ride.” Then came another memorial bike ride – “Hadley Rides Again.” It wasn’t long after that “Hadley Rides Forever” joined forces with another great cause, raising $25,000 to donate to St. Jude Children’s Research Hospital.

Hadley, who was born on Kelly’s birthday, is also remembered by sunflowers that were planted the year she was born. Kelly sends out sunflower seeds in the mail to friends or people she knows who have been supportive over the years. She asks them to plant the seeds and send pictures when the sunflowers are fully grown.

“I love getting pictures of this and seeing them all over the place,” said Houser, who lives in Osage.

The Houdek, Wulff and Smith families have all been tragically affected by accidents that claimed the lives of their sons on the Avenue of the Saints.

Jadon Wulff and his grandmother were killed at the intersection with county road T38 in 2016. Jadon’s parents, Brian and Gina Wulff, planted a tree at Memorial Park in Charles City. It’s the same park that houses a gazebo that Connell and others helped bring to Charles City to let grieving parents have a place to experience peace and solace.

Brian said this year the Wulff family has been able to honor Jadon’s memory by presenting three scholarships through Dollars for Scholars.

Tom and Diane Houdek light a candle every day in remembrance of their son, T.J., who was killed at the Floyd intersection in 2016. The T.J. Houdek Memorial Tournament is a trapshooting meet that local high schoolers compete in every August.

The Charles City Cross Country Invite was renamed the Trent Smith Invitational as a way to honor Todd and Susie Smith’s son.

Logan Luft has a wrestling tournament and a fishing tournament named after him. Logan, the son of Lenny and Wendy Luft, died in an ATV accident in 2017.

Sharon Hruska’s son, Mark, was murdered in Des Moines in 2015. A scholarship in his honor goes to a female and a male bowler every year on the Charles City High School bowling team.

Mark and Denise Kuhn hold the Alex Kuhn Tennis Tournament every year. They also have a tree and butterflies at the Memorial Garden to remember their late son who died in 2016. A statue of Alex, who was a member of the Mason City Council, will be completed this fall at the Mason City Public Library.

Connell’s group also communicates through social media, as there is a Facebook page dedicated to the support system.

Jill said she doesn’t know how many members of the support group there have been through the years. The common bond shared is simple enough to understand and sometimes just the mention of a son or daughter who is no longer present is enough to brighten any of the parent’s day.

“We welcome every parent who has had a child die,” said Jill. “We all still love to hear our kids’ names.”